<3 LETTER TO IKE: TOP 5 REAONS to have a FU-REE day tomorrow

5. be honest, you did NOT watch the vmas because you were probably drunk with us at the show last night. so you need an extra day of continously looped vma coverage to sift and analyze britney spears' donatella versace-carnival cruiseline dance troupe inspired-sequenced tart-"i'm trying really hard to act like its not 1998"-dress. and her putative, hypothetical comeback (veit is holding a vigil, contact her for RSVP and info.)

4. everyone in hialeah has to go back and return all the cute stuff they bought at forever 21 during the labor day sale. this is what happens when fortune 500 companies attempt to sophisticate the callow gluttons of miami's suburbs. starbuck's orange mocha coffee cake-carrot-reduced fat blueberry-iced muffins and cookies make that size 3 look like a conjugal visit from an ex boyfriend. an exboyfriend with alarming fashion and lurid facial hair.

3. after my usual aghast at the immoral time i get up for work, i drove off into the pussiant miami beach winds. shorty after, i made my anticipated arrival at the walgreens on US1 for some laughs, some old friends and diet green tea. to my idyllic surprise, they already capaciously stocked up on halloween candy. tomorrow i am designating each of you to your local vendor so that you may envelop the granular decadance of pleasance that is candy corn pumpkins.

2. OBVIOUSLY YOU ALL USED TOO MUCH BLOOD IN YOUR COCONUT-MALIMBO-FUFU MAGIC (although i specifically said not too)!!! and so, we had work today. i will not pardon you, but i shall give you an extra day to contemplate on your blunder of carelessness. thus, i adhere you to a diet of the aforementioned pumpkins and uninterrupted ROCK OF LOVE loopage.

1. on septemeber 9th the treaty of neuberg was signed splitting the austrian habsburg lands between the habsburg dukes albert III and leopold III in 1379; direct translation--HURRICANE PARTY/HAPPY HOUURR WOOOOOOO LEEEEEETZ GOOOOOOOOOO

fingersore.

i am fucking, jennifer aniston.

IKE IKE babbyyyy...IKE iKE

at my job sometimes i feel like i cannot help/reach those babies, I JUST CANT. it must be because i am too busy counting how much money i have left so that i can go buy a new pair of aqua/green/purple/annoying color shorts (im starting to have waay too many shorts in my collection thereof. perhaps i should stop or get work as a sears model) and so i end up feeling a lot like a failed sitcom or the people who told sarah palin that it would be a good idea to run for vice president .

with the uneventful scenario ike is giving us for breakfast this weekend, i cannot stress the following enough. this time i think chickens, and maybe some coconut magic with a little bit of blood, not a lot DONT OVER DO IT. we want minor tropical storm weather but maximum DAY OFFF-FREEE DAYYY drink your stupid beer STATUS.

-65.00

seeing a negative amount in your bank account statement is like having a knife slowly carouseling in your stomach.
or your neck.
or your eye.

tendrils

i am gonna single-handedly bring this movie back. because it's irrelevant now and thats cool. you could like, put it on a shirt.

@}-'--|-----

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y HEY

zomma zomma

"as a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. those are the two key elements. you can't be like pancakes...all exciting at first, but then by the end you're fuckin' sick of em."


i put my ear to the ground today and heard the earth move.

back SooOO SooOoON???

BALLER

BOOB

deBUNKED: WATTOWEAR edition

now 4 MOi:



/` `.__
\_ _., `'-._ _.--.
_`_ ) | / _ \
/ `/ /'---./ / \ \--.___
\__./ /--.. /``-\ '-.___`\
'-' `--` `--` \/

fake TIITTTY party...

newfangled college drop out or graduate,
when you wear off white docker shorts and that ethically acceptable crew/shaggy/ben afflect hair cut i feel like drizzling my skinny latte on you with a spoon and watching your nautica polo imbibe the tan magic of starbucks. next, i'll let your significantly primitive looking friend whisper-scream something like "STEEEEAAADDDYYYY" in his best dayonette-vintage-navy voice. in the light of such chivalry i will feel predisposed to wholeheartedly laugh a boisterous twaddle. get back to your hotel room BRRAOOOH, i heard the delano has quite a collection of victoria secret panty representatives from atlanta.

LEVEL 5 MAAAGIVER -bless you-

years ago when i emerged from a single watermelon seed; cake was a proper, well-established food group.

zingers taste like chicken.

DRILL DRILL DRILL DRILL!

round 3

BIG OL' BOOTY BATTLE.




VS.





yea. i'm taking her on.


DECISION?

(strange foods)

you're on my list marTEEEENIZ

305 cReWWW

sell ur services.

a persons attractiveness can drop 10 fold the minute their gaping mouth hanger opens.